"Hello world, F*@# you.
This is BullS@%&! How can any of this be happening. Why are awful things happening to good people?
Its so messed up.
That A-hole, that B@#! What f&*ing c*@#s.
I hate them all. How can they do that? How stupid are they?!
THEY. THEM. HIM. HER. THOSE. THAT.
I feel like sh*&t.
I hate myself.
From ANGER"
~ You might not feel like you can relate to this straight away, your first response might be something like ‘this is not me’ or, ‘I’m not angry like that’, but I assure you, even the most subtle feelings of annoyance, frustration, irritation or blame, are the direct seeds of anger – and that seed of anger is the very same that drives people to hurt, oppress, judge or otherwise cause serious harm. No-one is ‘free from’ anger, it is an emotion that is universally available – typically as a response to pain – and one that if left to smoulder will begin to burn from the inside out. I used to be angry most of the time (not-so-fun-fact: an old nick name of mine was 'Angryla') - at anyone, everyone, anything and everything. One day I was feeling particularly fixated on a feeling of hate towards an ex who had caused some serious psychological and emotional pain, when I realised; “The same behaviour I am hating in this person (violence, anger, control, criticism, blame, rage) is the very same response I am having towards them!”. This insight into my own reactions and the way I was feeling towards others really shook me. Following this insight, I also then realised, “and no one is making me feel this way other than myself” “no one can feel the anger I have for them – it’s doing nothing except harming me by feeling this way! I am perpetuating the violence of the anger of others by holding onto it within myself – and then I’m getting angry at myself about that!”. I discovered that anger becomes a vicious feedback loop in response to pain – and as I learnt years later, the Buddha also had described this experience; ‘holding on to anger is like holding onto hot coals, the person holding it is the only one that gets burnt’. This was the beginning of my first ‘self-awareness practice’ where I began to actively develop an awareness of the emotions I was carrying, the way I was internally (and externally) reacting and an acceptance of the ultimate responsibility that fell on me, to free myself from these feelings. Anger is such a mighty force. When allowed to run rampant it becomes like a wild fire, out of control and destroying all it touches. But anger also lets us know when something is not ok, when a boundary or moral line has been crossed or broken. Anger is a wonderful source of energy that can be channelled into positive use. Just like the heat of fire can be used to heat a home, purify water or cook nourishing food…so too can the energy of anger be tamed and transformed into constructive and beneficial action. Be kind, anger is made of pain and pain needs skillful care to heal.
Acceptance
A letter from Acceptance
Dear Anger,
I heard you yelling out last week. It sounded like you were in deep pain. I want you to know that I acknowledge and feel your pain too. I really do. It must feel so awful to be so intense. What does it feel like to you I wonder? Have you taken time to sit and feel the sensation of yourself? Where does it hurt the most? Is it hard to breathe? Where do you feel most uncomfortable?
Sometimes, I just sit noticing all the things I can feel and be aware of it all. I practice being with what I feel without pushing it away or reacting to it. It’s like I distance myself from it in some way, or learn to not take it personally – especially when it feels incredibly personal. In my mind I say ‘welcome’ to what ever I am aware of and experiencing. I invite experiences into myself like guests into my home, carefully and compassionately. When I have a very ‘unpleasant guest’ though, (once I get to know them a little better,) I also practice asking them to leave if they are causing trouble, it is my house after all and I need to take care of it!
If I invited you to come visit me one day, it would be my responsibility for you being there. I’d take care of you while you were with me and I would give you a hug and hold you close with kindness. I would listen to you and share in your pain calmly, without rushing to react. We could simply breathe slowly together until we felt less tense. Then I would ask of you, “I wonder what can we do together to be constructive rather than destructive?”
Have you thought about taking some time to get to know yourself without reacting straight away? You might even be able to accept the pain you’re feeling as your own and own it! Once you feel that it’s yours and yours only, you might feel more empowered to do something good with it since you know that energy is all yours to choose what you do with! What positive change do you wish to see in the world? Do you think you could use your new re-claimed energy to serve that purpose?
I want you to know that I’m always here for you Anger, no matter how wild or scary you get.
I will always give you my loving acceptance and help you to reclaim a sense of control of yourself. I know you have purpose and together we can take a healing step forward.
With loving kindness,
Acceptance x
Acceptance is often misconstrued for being akin with complacency or defeat. To me, this is a great misunderstanding, for the difference being, is that acceptance requires a deep level of courage and strength to engage with it and the result being a solid sense of empowerment. On the other hand, complacency and defeat both inherently give their power away! Acceptance is also not equal to ‘doing nothing’, quite to the contrary, acceptance often brings along with it the responsibility TO DO something! When I learnt this lesson through directly experiencing this shift during my long meditation practices, it enabled me to move from a position of ‘angered victim’, to ‘empowered and free agent’ whilst also giving me back the physiological resources of energy and health.
Also, jumping to taking action in response to a painful situation before fully experiencing a period of acceptance (I like to think of it as a heroic ‘radical acceptance’ in extreme situations) is counterproductive to our healing process of the experience and only propagates more seeds of anger and reactivity.
I experimented with this notion of ‘radical acceptance’ by unknowingly practicing some Buddhist and yogic methods for developing and increasing our capacity for acceptance and compassion. I would often take this practice to the extreme (as I am prone to doing) and contemplate and imagine what it might be like to be murdered or physically attacked in that way – could it be possible to still uphold a perspective of acceptance when in a situation as extreme as that?! I practiced in my meditations visualising and imagining non-reactivity and radical acceptance towards the most harmful of situations, drawing strength from a reserve of compassion and understanding that; no one can inflict pain unless they are in pain themselves – the deeper the hurt, the deeper the capacity for inflicting it. I would visualise the imaginary attackers as children themselves, see their pain in their eyes behind their own anger and hate, and I would meditate on accepting the situation – (having done all I could imagine I could to protect myself first). Throughout my life I have had horrific nightmares and night terrors, so vivid and real and physical. The only resolution I could come to in those dreams was to an attitude of acceptance. The pain doesn’t go away, but something else rises up to meet it, infusing it with a sense of calm, peace, insight – there is much more to life than the experiences we can see and touch. I guess this is the kind of feeling that people report having in NDE’s (near death experiences).
Acceptance in the day to day living of my life has helped me to cope with chronic pain from multiple injuries and conditions. It has also enabled me to reverse this perspective and apply it to the most difficult of my personal angers, the anger/hate towards myself. In realising the truth that I was in fact hating myself so much because of the pain that I carried, it enabled in me a greater acceptance of all of my perceived flaws, faults and shameful aspects of myself.
To accept my self-anger, I had to acknowledge my pain and learn to care for it.
So that is why, to me, acceptance is like an unconditionally loving mother, fierce, wise and healing, always showing up with love to the most difficult of situations. I learnt to be that mother to my own broken self. It took time, so much work, patience, perseverance and a willingness to accept how disgusting, awful and broken I felt. One painful sensation at a time, I learnt to soothe the fire of anger, by watering and nurturing the earth of my body.
So, a final wish from me and the perspective of acceptance;
May we all trust in ourselves enough to know that we always have the strength that we need to accept and engage with whatever suffering we experience in life – whatever the outcome may be. May our acceptance be alight with compassion for the suffering of others – and ourselves. May our acceptance of our own experiences be infused with the wisdom that we can only ever ‘do the best we can, with what we have’ and what we know at the time. May our acceptance bring us a closeness with our rivals – and our deepest self - and a shared sense of understanding the collective suffering, fundamental to our human experience.
May we have peace and acceptance of ourselves and each other.
All my love,
Ange x
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